So I’m back. Missed me? Yes I’m talking to you, only guy reading my articles. Well, for your pleasure only, here I am, ready to blow both your mind and your taste buds with a very special treat.

Synecdoche New York

written and directed by Charlie Kaufman

starring Philip Seymour Hoffman

This is my favourite film in the whole world. I hesitated about putting it in the list, because it’s just so wonderfully complex and simple at the same time, so unique and hard to compare with anything else, that I didn’t think I could possibly find a food to do it justice. And I was right, I didn’t. Keep reading.

photo aceshowbiz.com

The film

It’s the story of a theatre director who gets a funding of as much money as he needs to create his magnum opus. The man is socially awkward, hypochondriac, and generally unlikable, as all great artists are (at least for Kaufman, apparently, remember his previous movies, the artist is never cool). His dream is to make something great, as great as life itself, and that’s where the problems start. You see, as his life keeps changing and expanding, trapped between his ever present feeling that he’s dying and the ever growing sets of his performance, the artist finds himself incapable of completing what he had in mind. It’s complicated. If you haven’t seen it yet, go do that immediately, then come back and tell me how you would have summarized that better.

photo learninthecloud.wordpress.com

The dish

This is the tricky part. I’m going to slightly break the rules here, given they are my rules and nobody cares anyway, and say the only thing suited is a combination of alcohol and cigarettes. Not exactly food, but they still go in your mouth, so just be grateful I’m keeping it civil. Allow me to explain.

We start it off with the drink, and not just any drink, but the mother of all that’s pure and clean and metaphysically painful about alcohol: vodka. That will make them shiver in disgust, then almost at once feel a kind of inner warmth, bringing with it the promise of great things to come. They don’t know yet whether they like it or not, but their interest is, in any case, awoken, like a sleepy dragon from the distant jingle of a gold necklace.

photo rt.com

The drinks need to keep coming at a steady pace, for a couple of hours, until our trusting client has gone through almost all stages of drunkenness. First they laugh, poor bastards, unaware of what’s next. Then they are overwhelmed with the desire to go on the dance floor and get jiggy with it (is that still a cool thing to say?). Afterwards they should discover a sense of human connection with everyone around them, a love for their fellow man, as imperfect as they may be. As a simple precaution, it’s important that during this stage they are kept at a safe distance from people they might find attractive (that is, everyone), as they will be very willing to see what’s all the fuss about that make love, not war thing everyone keeps talking about. NOW is the time to give them that pack of cigarettes they were craving all night, but that you sadistically refused to take down from the upper shelf.

photo media.theiapolis.com

It will taste something like Monte Cristo’s first breath of air as a free man. Like the blood of a virgin for a starving vampire. It will be wonderful and disgusting and wrong. And each cancerous breath of delicious smoke will make them think, suddenly aware of what they’re doing, tragically incapable of stopping. Soon, all that previous love will turn to: everyone I love, including myself, are going to die. We are going to totally die, before we even do what we dreamed of doing when we were young and innocent and happy, and we’re going to be alone and sad and oh, God, why don’t you exist? Then they cry. They always cry, as they realize how they’re trapped in their own destiny, which they themselves are creating, unaware of how tragic and pathetic it all looks like from the outside.

photo billblog.blogspot.com

And, should they dream of maybe one day becoming chefs themselves, they will shed one extra tear at the realisation that, not only will they never be able to create the chef-d’oeuvre they’ve been dreaming of, as it is impossible to do so, but they won’t even match you and your devilishly combined dish. Or they will just puke and hate everything you carefully constructed for them, because they can’t hold their liquor, so they’re not prepared yet. Give them some time to grow and try again.

Read part one here:

http://inhalemag.com/six-more-or-less-delicious-films-and-their-food-equivalents/

Read part two here:

http://inhalemag.com/six-more-or-less-delicious-films-and-their-food-equivalents-2/

by Alexa Băcanu

Alexa Băcanu is a private investigator and awesome mercenary. Interests: everything (except Math and most people). She doesn’t write anywhere else (no one other than us would let her) except in her diary and on public bathroom walls.